Thank you lots for caring, listening, being there. Sorry I can’t say much in detail. But since you asked:
Clinic ick, both politically (between most of the practitioners, and affecting the clinic overall) and personally (between me & one of the practitioners). Money worries that are becoming more urgent and scary. Me being an ostrich about all of the above (ignore it long enough and pretend I don’t need to deal with it all and it’ll just sort itself and/or go away all by itself). Of course fully aware this last not at all true. Bashing myself with a great big guilt stick. Baby blonde not very well. Well-meaning friends making me feel v v bad mother for doing what I believe is best for him. Baby also going through hideous tantrummy phase I thought didn’t strike for another year or so, and a clingy one which means more guilt on work days ’cause he absolutely wails when I hand him over at nursery. Ongoing hospital saga (very ick) which should’ve been dealt with v soon after B was born still affecting me very badly very much and unhelpfully dragging on indefinitely. Stupidly getting myself in a situation which pressed old buttons and stirred muddy waters I thought I’d dealt with but apparently – um – haven’t – ongoing guilt, altho the situation itself (thankfully) not. Coursework – course stuff generally – the registry denying all knowledge of my being enrolled, which explains my lack of student or library card, which explains my not having access to books I need to be getting on with coursework etc. House – which is fantastic, and gorgeous, and after 4 months here becoming more so, but also chaotic, dusty, chaotic, disorganised, still not entirely unpacked and chaotic. (Did I mention I don’t cope at all well with Chaos?!) On the plus side The Lodger is very nearly moved in – as she gets a chance to do more umpacking some of the chaos will slowly abate, and now I can share some of the struggle, at least on the house front.
It’s so circular and connected. The money thing, some of the clinic thing and a lot of the guilt thing are all in the same family. When I’m low like this I don’t think straight, I’m tired from worrying which makes me worry more, which makes me more tired. With B under the weather even when I do get some sleep it’s interrupted (the longest he’s slept for the last three nights is 1 1/4 hours) and sometimes I’m cryng and shouting as much as he is, which of course doesn’t help calm him down! With us both tired we get ratty, which would be much alleviated if I had the energy to cook and eat properly, for both of us (cue more of the guilt). I only really bother to do proper cooking when I’m feeding a multitude, there doesn’t seem much point when it’s only me. Except of course that it isn’t only me – it’s unfair on B for me to think so selfishly, to wallow and let myself spiral downwards like this. (Thank you lots and lots to the people who’ve bullied me about real food lately.)
Each or any of these on its own would be far, far more manageable than the whole bloody pile of them piling up on me at once! Broken down, each has its component parts and can be dealt with one step at a time. But breaking it all down makes it a much longer list (tho admittedly of smaller amounts of ick)!
There is one thing that would make a huge difference to a lot of the other things, but it would mean breaking a promise to someone I thought was a friend, and I don’t feel able to do that (yet?). It would precipitate a huge and scary seismic shift in the world of alice (does anyone notice a pattern here? I really don’t do change very well), and I honestly don’t know whether or how I would survive it. But for B’s sake I must seriously consider doing it anyway.
It’s a mess, a great big scary tiring messy mess – but I’m still holding the “fine” mask up relatively well at the moment. I do so appreciate the support and friendship here (Swansea) and here (wibsite), and am sorry I’m not able to be less cryptic with you. I know you want to help, but just knowing that is already doing. Thank you!
it really does make a difference. (When I’ve found a new joyjar I’m putting you all in it!)
