Legally Blonde

Walking down the hill to work this morning my mood lifted slightly when I found my first Conker of the year – wet, shiny, beautiful, just crying out to be picked up and felt. It sat on my desk all day and cheered me up. Yay -give thanks for the little things, and autumn.

I’m doing quite a bit too much of spilling my heart/guts/generally stuff that ought to stay hidden this week. I’ve managed to spare you most of it, but today needed to say something – sorry in advance.

I’ve mostly kept off the blog anything about the Man I love – illogically, unhelpfully, misguidedly, destructively even, but nonetheless love. Last week we had a lovely evening which turned into a more scary hideous horrible one than I know how to describe. He was unaware of, and deeply shocked by, my still feeling at all, let alone this strongly. And this morning he Left.

I wish I couldn’t feel. I wish I could be glad that a complicated, messy, dangerous, suffocating situation has ended. That I won’t have any occasion to see him for at least 2 months, which might be time enough to start functioning again. I need to, for BabyBlonde’s sake. With time, and prayer, and concentrating on house stuff, and the support of amazing friends, eventually I’ll get there, I know.

But it hasn’t happened yet.

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally,
perfect situations must go wrong.
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long.

Looking back I could have played it differently,
won a few more moments, who can tell?
But it took time to understand the man.
Now at least I know I know him well.

…

No one in your life is with you constantly,
no one is completely on your side.
And though I moved my world to be with him,
still the gap between us is too wide.

Looking back I could have played it differently,
learned about the man before I fell.
But I was ever so much younger then,
Now at least I know I know him well.

…

Didn’t I know how it would go?
If I knew from the start
why am I falling apart?

Up and running (or rather down – had to wait for the temperatures to go down from room temp after plugging it in). AT last. Taller than I realised when I bought it (online so hadn’t actually seen it), but has freezer so can retrieve my food from Ramblin’Folkie and handles on the outside and a light and shelves, all of which were missing from the one I’d been lent between moving in and now. The old one is in the garden, with the old cooker. S was here for supper and said it looked like I was setting up a whole kitchen just outside the back door. It was Lovely to cook properly again – I need people here more often if I’m to do the whole eating well and early night thing for a change (she says "early", and the entire (both of you!) readership laughs derisively, checking the time of posting), because I feel far more like making an effort iwth meals if I can share them. Having asked people to supper, implying it was on me, I was however accused of rather a lot of delegation!

It is a good plan to paint walls before putting up shelves, then having to take them down again to paint the wall behind.

It is good to remember the speakers for the baby-listener and doorbell, but bad to have two fridges and a ladder between you and the door should you need to make a quick exit if either of them sounds.

I would not advise attempting to move a ladder while balancing a full roller tray and roller in one hand, especially while still at the top of said ladder. Also, talking of ladders, if while up one you happen to leave something, say a roller tray for a random example, on top of a nearby tall fridge, it helps to remember this fact before having cleared up and put the ladder away.

Do not rub an itch on your nose, nor push sliding specs back up same nose, with fully-loaded paintbrush in the same hand.

It’s rained lots today which means I didn’t mind quite so much that I had to stay in all day waiting for new freezer’s arrival, which was scheduled for somewhere between 8 am and 8 pm, until a friendly lost delivery bloke rang to say he’d be here before lunch. Also it means that rather than spend my day off doing fun things with BabyBlonde eg Tots, the swings, beach or other people’s houses, I left him playing happily with his Granny (who’s here on a surprise mid-week visit – oh retired parents!) and

* cleaned, hoovered and finished unpacking boxes in the study
* did 3 loads of washing including a (slightly overdue) nappy wash
* dried them! (despite rain – snazzy new washing machine has emergency drier function which I try to forget for the electric bill and environment’s sakes, but on a day like today becomes a Godsend. Many many thanks to BB’s Godfather who donated said snazzy new w-m on leaving Swampea!)
* caught up with a vg friend who I’ve not seen in far too long, and her babe who’s 6 weeks younger than mine
* finished stripping a half-done wall, did one more and the ceiling in what will probably be my bedroom (actually after BB was in bed Granny commandeered the steamer and did a brilliant job so I could get on with:)
* painted one and a half more walls in the kitchen (which is currently over-fridged, since the bloke said not to switch the new one on for 24 hours!), leaving only half a wall to do
* been to the tip with some wood, boxes and plastic (you have to put everything in separate skips now, which is probably a vg thing but takes a lot longer than slinging everything from boot to big metal container immediately behind, particularly noticeable in the rain.

It still feels chaotic, mad and a tip but then I’ve only been here 2 !/2 weeks, Rome wasn’t built in a day and it’s quite good fun having such a big on-going project to play with – when it isn’t depressing me that it’s not all done and lovely and ready to have people visit/stay/possibly move in, like, er, yesterday. Patience was never my virtue!

Is there a consensus out there on testing God? not in the wilderness, bread-stones or jump-and-He’ll-catch-you sense, but the Gideon fleece-dew* thing.

I’m not really a fan of the "<i>If</i> this/that/the other happens <i>then</i> I’ll believe/do/go/…" (and even less keen on the one that by implication if not, then I didn’t pray hard enough/right/have enough faith) but I am currently having to put a huge amount of faith in things falling into place, which I’m sure they will do, but I have to take the first step weeks if not months before knowing whether I can actually afford to. I’m sorry if I’m talking in circles, but would love your thoughts/prayers.

I’m hoping to go back to my Masters which has been on ice since I knew about BabyBlonde, ie almost 18 months. Now would be a very good time to go back, if I’m going to, because of the way the course is taught (2 years, rolling modules), but I have to work out practicalities. Such details mayn’t have bothered the heros of the OT but I’m supposed to be a responsible adult these days (have baby, house etc) and therefore slightly more pragmatic.

There are heaps of reasons why I shouldn’t/can’t but as Philip Yancey says, "logical ain’t always biblical" and maybe I should go with it despite the sensible voices. There’s a still small voice of calm that’s more persistent than all the shouting logic.

* Judges 6, I think

I’ve been having a bit of a read of people I’ve been out of touch with – I’m afraid not everyone, and not all the last 8 months, yet, and came across something that reminded me why I missed here so much. I know people who think "meeting" people online like this is weird and geeky but really have no idea what a supportive, friendly <i>community</i> it is.

<a href="http://www.wibsite.com/wiblog/fishsoup/read.php?11885">FishSoup</a> said:

About all of you who write, read and comment on this site – you’re wonderful and inspiring and fascinating and godly and supportive – I value it massively, many thanks. About myself (read back yesterday – I whinge a lot, don’t I?), but most of all about God and what he’s trying to do with me.
Because this is a blogging site with a "Christian sort of bit" , I guess it has given me a chance to talk with myself and you and God about my faith. It’s given me a place to work out my frustrations with what’s going on at work, in church and with my family and friends. And, despite my whinging, the one thing I’ve learnt through re-reading everything yesterday is that God is SO good.
Unless you know what I’m on about most of the time (and there’s no reason why you should in lots of cases), I guess you wouldn’t know that this is a blog of answered prayers – of times when I have been ready to give up but God has pointed me in the right direction, of times when God has taken my grumpiest moments to give me tasks that I haven’t been up to doing but which have lifted me out of myself, of times when he has put something in front of my face that should have been plain as daylight anyway and said: "look, this is what I’m doing". I’ve learnt to depend on Him more and to expect to see wonderful things happen in the lives of those I love.
So there you go. I’m praying for all the people I’ve "met" through this today, with particular thanks for those who set it up and for all of you who continually allow God to work through it. I realise this all sounds a bit serious for someone who usually writes about shoes and cooking, but blogging can be a really, really wonderful thing, even for the trivial among us.

It’s true. And especially for someone who feels jaded, often, with the church community she’s part of "in real life"(Church yesterday was uplifting and depressing in approximately equal measure, Housegroup this evening ditto), reminders like this are valuable indeed.

What a lovely word. the very rightness of things happening exactly when they should. Great film. Far nicer attitude than "coincidence". Anyway, what deep and meaningful events prompted this? Only supper.

Having had rather a large and late lunch and only after a snackerel of something, I fancied cheese on toast.

The kitchen in the new house doesn’t yet have a working grill – can’t have cheese on toast.

But I ought to eat something. And anyway, I’m in danger of letting my newly installed broadband go to my head, so should stop and do some more unpacking and sorting out.

And the Very First Box I open yields a toasted sandwich maker. These things sometimes just have a way of working themselves out

Just posted a lovely little update about our lovely little house, but the system laughed at me and disappeared it. Oh well, i’ve decided to see it as another welcome back touch – I’m relieved not too much has changed and I still lose entries to the ether. technology, grr.