I’ve recently tried going to a new housegroup – which is also confusingly mostly my old one – but now meets during school hours rather than in the evening, meaning I have a chance to plug in with them again.
It was good being on the edge. I was able – in fact almost encouraged – just to sit and listen, talk a lot less, not take turns leading anything… it was very different, but very good for me! I was just getting used to it, a back seat role, more listening and learning, and … BANG. God – and my housegroup leader – had other ideas. It is not for an alice to take a back seat for long! I suppose when I’m not having to do stuff, being relied on by others for stuff, it gives me the excuse/freedom not to go, when actually it’s good for me to have the accountability, the regularity, the commitment of being part of a group. even a very little part.
(aside – that reminds me of the body of Christ readings when people say I’m not an foot or a hand etc. most of my parts are very little! maybe the little fingernail, or earlobe, or tummy button. I don’t feel things would fall apart in a big way without me!)
Well, so, last week a couple of people expressed an interest in praying for each other as part of new housegroup. I kept quiet. Alice, would you like to co-ordinate/write/lead that sort of thing again?
Do I have a choice? Pamela used to tell me about celestial pokes in the ribs which would not be ignored.
I don’t mind, and I don’t not want to, but there was I comfortably uncommitted and now people expect and rely on and look forward to “my bit” … they say I’m good at it, they say I write and read and lead well…
If what I write encourages or speaks to them, that is God using my words or images, nothing I’ve done. I pray, then write. Sometimes I don’t even prepare it. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to say, or how it’s going to go. I don’t think it’s me or from me or mine to use or not use.
If I have a gift for using words to make pictures that encourage others to meet God, that is God’s gift, not mine. I am only an instrument, just the one holding the pen (or the tapping the keyboard, in this case).
I feel a fraud when people thank me or congratulate me or cry. I want them to thank or cry to God! I worry that they can’t see past me to the One who made me and any way I may occasionally have with his words.
but it’s not me.
I feel like a fraud when they want me to take the credit.